Have You Seen Tony Hawk?


Mrs. Van Dam’s paparazzi photo of Tony Hawk

Zach Persons, Writer

There have been sightings around our school of an amazingly talented hunter. Some call him Jerry, but he is more widely known as… Tony Hawk. 

Most people never see him, only some have been lucky enough to see his sick airtime. However, the average student only gets to see the remains of the poor, innocent souls of the grommets, which Tony Hawk claims daily. He catches them in his talons like they are boneless. He’s been seen doing tricks on the deck or off a flat bar. But he always gets his prey.

Reports say they saw him do a 360 flip trick nosedive after an acid drop off the roof over his prey, showing off how helpless they truly were before he went in for the kill. The poor birds just sat there, oblivious to how talented the great Tony Hawk really is. They say that his method is flawless. If he locks in on his prey, they never escape his pro tricks. 

We only have one freezeframe of the magnificent Tony Hawk at this point in time. Mrs. Van Dam has been the only person fortunate enough to get a photo of this glorious bird killer (unedited). In this photo, he is surveying our school ground, or what he most likely sees as his skatepark, for his next victim.

One of the resident school authority figures has had to get involved and clean up the mess that Tony Hawk makes. How long until Tony will leave? That question may never be answered. But if you see him, be cautious, he is known for hunting birds, but we don’t know the extent he will go to get one. Make sure, you don’t become an obstacle in his way.