THIS ARTICLE WILL BE SO SPOILER HEAVY THAT IT COULD FALL TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH.

After a barren, boring  winter between shows, Chris Harrison will once more grace the screens of all those who know the true pinnacle of television.

The Bachelor is back and better than ever. 

After being sent home in third place last season, Peter Weber is now The Bachelor, and based on the first two episodes, it will undoubtedly shape up to be quite the season. 

The Introductions:

This group brought all sorts of ideas to make their first impression, some sweet, and some utterly foolish. Madison, the daughter of the Auburn basketball coach, arrived in a huge, adorable paper airplane, Victoria P. came with a letter to Peter from her grandma, and (my personal favorite) Lexi pulled up in a “sexy” classic red convertible. Of course, not all ideas were hits.

No less than four women made some sort of allusion to the infamous windmill scene of last season, which just seems to be a poor choice altogether. First of all: shallow. Second: I gotta tell you, I wouldn’t bring up my new man’s ex on the first date (but then again, no one has ever accused The Bachelor contestants of logic).

The first night kicked off with token drama as Hannah Ann made a move on peter. And then another one. Annnnnnnd another. She spent a lot of time with Peter, which was “straight up annoying” to the women on screen, as well as the audience including Sophomore Brenna Oxley. Other than that, the night passed with a typical amount of drama. Except for Hannah Brown.

You heard right folks! Hannah Brown is back for a bit more attention from men she already rejected on national televison!! Thankfully, she was only there to return his wings to give to his copilot, but still, that’s suspicious. She pulled up in a limo and evening dress saying she was only there for a quick chat? We see you, babe. You’re not being subtle about your intentions.

The First Dates: 

The first group date involved an airplane themed race for alone time with Peter that Kelley won, followed by an after party at the hotel where Peter and Kelley happened to meet before the show. There was unnecessary whining about Kelley’s winning the competition unfairly (she didn’t), and while Kelley established herself as adorable with Peter, Shiann and Tammy established themselves as major annoyances. The second date was one for tissues: Peter took Madison, the Auburn girl, on a one-on-one date to his parents renewing their vows, and y’all. Y’all. Peter’s parents are the cutest couple that has ever been on this show. Their dinner involved, of course, no eaten food, but also a surprisingly emotionally mature conversation about their expectations for their relationship that put Madison’s chemistry with Peter in the running for the strongest.

The second date was when things went haywire. Not only did Peter set up a mind bendingly awkward group date talking about sex with ten of his girlfriends, oh no; he had this group lead by none other than Hannah Brown — his ex-girlfriend who he talked about sleeping with on national television. This was, of course, made worse by the fact that Hannah had a serious case of buyer’s remorse with Jed, and decided to tell Peter that she was still into him. One whole hour of my life was wasted watching Peter second guess himself as Hannah Brown tried to pry her way back into his life. An entire hour. Eventually, though he sorted out is feeling and sent her away and dealt with the angry girls he had ditched on his date. 

The Rose Ceremony and The Great Champagne Mystery:

Oh goodness. 

The cocktail party started off great, but then there were a lot of shots of Kelsey talking about how important this bottle of champagne she had set out was to her, and how it was going to be such a special moment. This laser focus, of course, could only mean that something was about to go terribly wrong: Hannah Ann mistook the set up for a free place to talk, and she popped the champagne with Peter.

So much of my life was spent watching the obviously-not-sober Kelsey cry and call everyone a snake for planning to ruin her night. The drama continued into the next date, at which point, Hannah Ann brought it to Peter’s attention that she felt bullied. Bullied is the word most often used for house drama, and it always signals many more weeks of ridiculousness.

With such great excitement in just the first two episodes, I have no doubt that, at the end of this season, Chris Harrison will be announcing the most dramatic Bachelor finale of all time.