Our brains are constantly bombarded with data no matter where we go. We, as humans, try to make sense of this data by organizing it into specific folders in our minds. Whether we are gawking at bored animals at the zoo, or we are walking down the halls at school, we organize everything into its right place. The natural product of this innate feature of humanity is the system of Taxonomy. According to this system, every living thing discovered is categorized and subcategorized until we reach a specific genetic variant.
Even if you have never heard of Taxonomy, I’m willing to bet that you use the basic template to get through your daily life and make sense of it. Caste systems are a good example of daily taxonomy. From India all the way to Bob Jones High School, people are classified according to dress, activity, manner of speech, and affiliation. People who have things in common often stick together.
You know who the Preps/Bros are. The Jocks. The Nerds. The Art Kids. The Bandies. The Emo kids. The “Gangster” types. The Straight Edge fringe groups. The Anti-Conformists. The Loners. The Drug People.
While it is completely possible to be filed within several of these folders at once, a new mutation has been discovered: Derps.
While these strange mutants may be fun to look at (or make fun of), you do not want to be a Derp.
Urban Dictionary defines “Derp” as:
- Epic fail. An attempt at something of extreme greatness, but an utter fail.
- An expression used when a person, or yourself, has done something extremely stupid and dopey.
While the word “Derp” and its synonyms have historically been used by all classes to describe a failure to execute an action properly, a strange phenomena has occurred in recent years. The essence of Derp, while once only showing small levels in all of us, now has the ability to be distilled into a single form.
They walk among us, often blending in with another group. While not always completely visible, a quick look at your mental log for the week will expose at least one memory of a Derp in action.
If you are still in need of an example, watch the American version of The Office. Steve Carell’s character, Michael Scott, is the quintessential Derp.
Now that we all have a basic understanding of this obscurely simple concept, on to the actual guide.
- Acting stupid is not cute. No one really likes it, unless they are the type of person who finds pleasure in manipulating the stupid. In that case, they probably make their living off of derps. If you feel that enabling a manipulator to exploit you for his own personal gain is a form of altruism, by all means go ahead. You’re probably actually stupid, anyhow.
- If you closely follow, often use, or continuously make references to: Memes, Pokemon, Hollywood Undead, Justin Bieber, Asking Alexandria, Metro Station, picnik, or anything related to these things in nature or concept, STOP IT.
- If your wardrobe looks like your life is a continuous cosplay, STOP IT.
- If your logic is full of fallacies, STOP IT.
- If you still find light up shoes a viable option for fashionable footwear, STOP IT.
- If you are a male, and you are in High School, and you and your comrades consistently rock a backpack that features Power Rangers, Dora, Barney, or any other icon of childhood nostalgia, STOP IT.
- If you repeatedly trip and fall on purpose, STOP IT.
- If you tell a joke once to an individual or a group, and within thirty seconds repeat the joke to that same individual or group for the purpose of a stale, secondary laugh, STOP IT.
- If you find yourself defined by, constantly refer to, or use your “past” as a dramatic cop out, STOP IT.
- If you perform illegal activities, and you enjoy those activities, and you also like to talk about those activities in class, STOP IT.
Through a unified, conscious effort, I believe that we, as a species, can eradicate this funky chicken of a phenotype from the Evolutionary Ball of Mankind.
