It’s no secret; getting through the halls during times of peak traffic is a very lame process. Like so much dead blood in a rotting artery, the smelly, hormonal teen bodies seem to coagulate into an undulating mass moving at glacial speeds. Efficiency is not attainable without a cutthroat, Assassin’s Creed style of navigation, but even speed walking and gently pushing people out of the way isn’t all that goes into this manner of movement. It takes a tactical mindset and much observation of the physical and metaphysical environment.
A simple tip for avoiding the writhing mass in the main hallway: if you need to travel from the North end of the building to the South, or vice versa, use the courtyard. It can be accessed from all sides, and is considerably faster, provided that you time your movements correctly.
Keep your eyes open. When people are placed on a tight schedule, such as the block system, you will notice that their position at any given time is fairly predictable. If you think about it, you’ll realize that as you walk through the halls, you see the same people at the same time, in nearly the same order, every day. It’s science. These observations are particularly useful when avoiding the awkward half-second when two people try to go through the stairway doors at once from opposing directions.
Hone your reflexes. Often, I throw doors open with considerable force. This allows me a 1 ½ to 3 second window to get my person and my backpack through the opening without having to touch the door again. This works for me because I only do it when I am pretty sure that no one is on the other side. If, all of a sudden, a wild derp appears, I have to shoot out my hand and stop the kinetic energy of the door before it makes contact with their face. This is a very necessary skill, because you can’t just go throwing the doors open if you’re about to pop some girl in the nose with it. More likely than not, it would be the same girl that you see at that point in space-time every day. Nothing says “I’m an idiot” like being responsible for two accidental black eyes and a puddle of blood on the floor.
If you venture into the crowded bits of the school (practically the entire building), you have undoubtedly noticed distinct groups and sources of coagulation. To reference my Derp article, “People with things in common often stick together.” There are clumps of slow moving coeds that make up the massive whole, and skill is needed to move between those clumps. Who those clumps comprise is not an issue; they are all equally obstacles. There are visible gaps between them that open and close at seemingly random intervals. You have to be fast and smooth enough to get through those gaps. Sometimes, the best spots for quick movement seem illogical. Two to three feet before a metal divider door is generally a good spot, as the herd starts to bottleneck in preparation for fitting through the smaller aperture. This opens up space next to the walls and corners. Be warned: if you are not quick–if you hesitate–there is a likelihood that you will get pinned and stuck. This is inefficient, counterproductive, and humiliating. Don’t be that guy.
Back to stairwells. Don’t fall. That’s pretty much all there is to it. If you feel trapped or stuck behind human cholesterol, there is usually always a sort of median between the up and down crowds. It provides speedy travel.
Don’t be a girl with an iPhone. If you also happen to have Starbucks in your hand, focus on not spilling your beverage rather than your messages, tweets, or tumblr. You will be the cause of considerably less anguish if you adhere to this advice.
In essence, getting through crowds is like driving: Either you’re somebody’s grandmother, or you’re Ricky Bobby. “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”
