For most students at Bob Jones, the morning isn’t quite complete without the musings of our fearless leader, Mr. Parker. Whether it be a recounting of last night’s event, a commentary on his daily tie choice, or the moral of a long-winded story, you can count on Mr. Parker to tell it. I, personally, will never forget the time Mr. Parker left the intercom mid-announcement because he saw a hawk outside of his window and, I quote, “never seen a hawk sit so still like that, just sitting on a curb. Sorry, guys, I gotta go see this for myself, someone take this from me.” Oh, Mr. Parker.
Lately though, I’ve noticed an… interesting addition to our daily dose of “Robby Parkerisms.” Maybe, just maybe, you’ve heard it too. It generally starts off with a break in the sound, then crackles at an odd pitch. And often, the speaker will make a sound that, bluntly, sounds like a fart. Charming.
Now, this is obviously a school-wide problem, seeing as Mr. Parker has taken to spewing insults after every such incident. Either that, or the meaning of “stupid piece of junk” has drastically changed in the last few months. But I digress.
Now that I’ve established that this is a real problem, I must ask these two rather deep and complicated questions:
1.) Why haven’t we fixed it?
2.) Why did we buy new lunchroom tables before we bought a new intercom?
I know, these are difficult questions to answer. Some of you may need to take a sabbatical, maybe “find yourself,” before you’re able to handle these questions I’ve posed before you. I apologize for any soul-wrenching agony these may have caused you.
But in all seriousness, this is absurd. Our lunch tables, while excellent for a High School Musical-esque dance number, have not significantly changed the lunchtime experience of our students. In fact, I’m ninety-eight-point-seven-percent sure that we’ve lost seating in our already overcrowded cafeteria. Can you say counterproductive?
And alright, we probably couldn’t have bought a brand new intercom system with the money we spent on the tables. (If we could have, then a. I have severely underestimated the price of trendy furniture and b. We need to revolt. Like ASAP.) But the point is that I bet that money could’ve gone towards the intercom, so we could’ve at least gotten a system months sooner than we actually will. Or, I don’t know, maybe fix the locks on the bathroom stalls? Just a thought.
Even though I’ll graduate before the epic BJHS Renovation of 2014, I can’t help but be worried. If this is what we get when we try to play copycat with James Clemens… Maybe we should take another look at our priorities.
