Beluga Beguiles The Kremlin, Cuddles Up To The Enemy


Cassie Volkin, Writer

The following is an omitted (and fictitious) excerpt from the Mueller report, sourced from high-ranking members of national intelligence:

A beluga whale, presumably the valiant steed of Vladimir Putin himself, has recently concluded her Norwegian cruise. Trouble is, Putin didn’t go with her.

The Kremlin has always had a special relationship with whales, particularly domesticated whales. In Russia, they are a part of everyday life, playing in the streets of St. Petersburg and hunting in the boreal forests. Their integration is a treasured part of Russian life, and observations on Russian whale rights have gained international attention. In fact, last month, almost a hundred falsely incarcerated whales received new plea bargains and will soon be released from Srednyaya Bay, also known as Whale Guantanamo.

The beluga, who wished to remain anonymous, was sighted in Tufjord, Norway on April 26th with Putin’s saddle still strapped to her blubbery, huggable head. Experts theorize that the leash came loose while the pair were on a walk, and the whale, being especially friendly, went out to make some new friends. She quickly charmed Tufjord locals, who proceeded to play fetch with her from the docks. A fisherman removed her saddle to find it said “Equipment of St. Petersburg,” and she was promptly relocated by Norwegian authorities, most likely to return her to a worried Papa Putin.

To the public, this likely seems like a cute little story that they can meme and aww at and tape to their refrigerators, but that’s exactly what they want us to think. Evidence leads us to suspect that the reveal of this insidious spy is but the tip of this squishy, adorable iceberg. The “accidental” misplacement of their elite operative is simply a ploy to distract us from the real issues. Russia hacked the 2016 election; this report proves it. More than that, the beluga incident unveils how.Whales don’t answer to walls. Belugas make ballots. This is the conclusion of my report. They hid among us, voting with their flippers, corrupting our democracy! Those sweet, innocent faces hide lies! The surveillance equipment on the beluga’s saddle confirms it: whales are colluding with the Russian government. They have ears everywhere. SeaWorld isn’t safe. Nowhere is safe! It is the author’s recommendation that members of the United States government be investigated further for whale ancestry and possible connections to the quiet invasion of our country. Good night, God bless, and Free Willy.